Golden eyes that light my heart, long claws that slashed my loneliness, dark tabby fur that gave my eyes peace and a large presence that gave my mind security. That is who my mate was. That is who Tigerstar was-is. He was the sunshine in the harsh life of a rogue. I never cared for kittypet softness, but sometimes life was too brutal. He and I met often, in the shadows of the night beneath the trees at the edge of the forest in which he lived. We met not long before, but that is another story. Together, we would watch the moon rise, wax and wane, and we would lean into one anothers fur, as if hungry for the warmth that love brings. Shortly before the sun rose, we would part, glancing over our shoulders many times for one last look. And moons passed in this fashion, as we shared our most inner thoughts. A secret relationship it was.
Then one night, during leaf-fall, we met. I had news for him. After our heartfelt exchange of caresses and physical displays of love, I whispered my news into his ear as I brushed my body against his soft tabby fur that seemed to cast mysterious shadows in the waning moon. My purring drowned the noises of the forest, as did my happiness.
Are you sure? He grunted, in his usual tough tone. It was something I grew to love, the grating noises of his voice. I blinked but once as my mouth opened in a smile.
I murmured my mind no longer on the conversation, but on the love that has fostered between us. I understood him in a way that no other cat could fathom, and that thrilled me. However, my delicate touch felt his body grow rigid and his strong muscles harden. My love suddenly was like a statue carved from crystal, beautiful, but dead in soul and life. Alarmed, I jumped back, awoken from my dreamily trance. My paws stumbled, and I gazed into those amber eyes with concern. Surely I had not disturbed him from his own peace? Did something happen in the clan? I inquired quietly, after Tigerstar remained motionless and speechless. Still, there was no answer. My blue eyes widened. Does it has something to do with Firestar?! I cried, horrified now at my mates stoic expression and tense movements. Something was definitely wrong. I knew of his rivalry with Firestar, and how he had committed acts that a sane cat could call immoral. Yet that did not stop me from falling for him. In my mind, he was always perfect, a cat that every soul should strive to be.
Upon hearing my last statement, Tigerstar flinched, and then stood up, looking back at me with narrowed gleaming amber eyes. I never have seen such enraged eyes. Now my muscles were frozen, and drips of fear entered my consciousness. I have heard the legends of Tigerstars power, and I knew fully well that he could kill me here and now. My mouth parted in a soundless whimper, and my gaze was fixed on the approaching Tigerstar. Although my mind instantly rejected it, I saw something I never saw before. Golden eyes that desired to kill, long claws that thirsted for blood, dark tabby fur that dominated everything, like the sin of avarice, and a large presence that demanded power. This was not my mate, I knew. This was some demon that was not Tigerstar, a demon which represented power, self-interest, greed, and death. I closed my eyes, my last scene of this world buried within my memory. This was not the end I imagined.
So now I have it, my revenge. The tabby hissed, his voice filled with menace at not me, but at a distant enemy. Teeth were laid upon my throat, fur brushed upon my chin, grunts of fury was heard by my ears and harsh breathing was felt upon my chest. He was in the position to kill now. Everything seemed to take eternity. My own mind was numbed with disbelief and denial, so affected that my limbs would not respond to any rational thoughts of fighting. The jaws clamped, and I screamed in terror at my premature death. I could feel blood pour out of my throat as the skin broke. Yet no snap of bones, no insane amount of red liquid gushed about my paws. The teeth withdrew. Now I waited for death to end this pain and this horrible confusion. Far too much time had passed, and I was still alive. Cautiously, I opened my eyes a tiny slit and they widen as I see Tigerstar glancing back at me, his face twisted in distortion beyond belief.
Why? I croaked, fighting to make sense of all this. What happened to all these moons of love and companionship? What happened to the simple nights of gazing at the stars and the moon that dominated the night sky? What happened to the real Tigerstar? What happened to his love, protection, and all those other qualities of an ideal mate?
If Firestar shall thwart my plans once again... He began, his voice now unrecognizable with the all those dark emotions that were unknown to me. He flicked his tail. Then you shall bear my successor, another one, and that cat can continue my path. He paused and then began to walk into the shadows of the forest that now looked gloomier than ever. His voice still went on, And when I do triumph over that piece of foxdung, I would have another tool to use for power
And with those final words, he disappeared into the darkness. My legs collapsed under me, with dots of blood speckling my fur.
My voice stammered, so quietly that not even an invisible soul could hear it. Where was he? Where was the true Tigerstar? Where was my true and only love?! I yowled in anguish, my cry echoing among the trees of the forest. My ears drooped, and I rested my head upon my now blood-stained paws in despair. The wound had little attention from me, for my mind was on the emotional pain that was attached to it. I did not dare think upon what Tigerstars words were-I was to bear another successor? Did that mean he had another love, with kits elsewhere? I shuddered at the idea, and resisted that chain of thought. Tigerstar was loyal to no one but me. I spent days here, in the exact place he deserted me, wandering aimlessly in hopelessness. Suicide began to look so friendly now. I knew the taste of betrayal, and now I knew how broken-hearted one felt from experiencing it. It was a most pain-filled feeling.
As my throat wound dried, and began to heal physically, the logical side of my mind began to work its way back into my consciousness. After four days of little prey, water, or sleep, I began to take care of myself once again. I tried to forget the memory of his betrayal and of him as well. I hunted, fought, and became a true rogue. I tried to move on by burying the past. Every so often, I learned of the latest Tigerstar was up to. I still admired him greatly, and upon hearing his name, my heart would ache for his company and the time we spent together under the moonlight. Moons passed in this routine of survival. It wasnt long until I found another reason to keep going. The kits within me were growing, and soon they would be born. For the safely of my kits and of myself, I knew, I would have to see my love again. I hoped only that I could see the real Tigerstar once more.
Yet more moons passed, the river of time flowing steadily by. By this time, my kits were long since born, and now were apprentices of RiverClan. For them, I adopted a tough attitude, one that grew naturally on me with the hardship of life as a lone rogue. For them, I told them the heroic stories of their father, who was now dead, slain by the cat they call Scourge. I wanted them to grow up without the pain I felt. Although I never saw my mate again, I could just feel his presence with me always. The tingling of my blood that passed through me whenever I thought of him told me that at least one of my children would carry on his legacy. Tigerstar was going to make that so. However, as much as I tried, I only saw the face of the demon, never that of Tigerstar. Only my children carried pieces of him inside them, but I never saw all of my love again. I never saw Tigerstar again. I never saw again the golden eyes that light my heart, long claws that slashed my loneliness, dark tabby fur that gave my eyes peace and a large presence that gave my mind security.